The Damage Of Over Parenting Our Kids
Posted by admin on Dec 14, 2011 in Organizing Blog | 7 commentsLet me first start by saying that I am in no way a parenting expert, if fact, there are more days than not that I lose my patience and behalf like a Maniac Mommy. This is just my opinion based on constant interaction with my eight little test subjects.
Here is my opinion in a nutshell. Kids are capable of WAY more than we give them credit for and we are, for the most part, holding them back from their preschool potential. I’m not suggesting that we as parents go old school militant on our children, but I do wonder if this “new age” way of parenting is doing more harm than good.
We have all heard it before; Our generation is very protective of our children. Some things are clear like five point harnesses until grade one (yes, I rode in the back window of my family’s car too), bike helmets (which I wholeheartedly support) and every child making the soccer team, but there is a much bigger way we are over parenting. We just don’t give our children enough credit.
What kind of harm are we doing when we hesitate or stop our children from trying something new because we are afraid they will fail or that they are not ready? How could we possible know they are not ready if we don’t let them try? Whether we stop our two-year old from going on the jungle gym alone or keep our three year old in a crib or diaper, we are giving them the same message “you’re not ready for this yet”. We are in every aspect holding them back, even though we may have the best intentions.
I’ve be accused of being too relaxed in my parenting or even “forcing” my kids to grow up too fast. To this I can only shrug and try to not judge other peoples parenting. I must say though, for as “relaxed” as I am, my children continue to surprise me. This week I decided to see if my three-year old could vacuum and dust her own bedroom. To my surprise, she worked that giant vacuum perfectly and loved every minute of it. She puts away her own laundry, empties the dishwasher (her own dishes) and sets the table too. This makes me realize that I wasn’t giving my oldest daughter, who is now five, enough credit when she was three!
In my daycare I had a baby whose mother was so anxious that her one year old refused to eat solid food. She brought her baby girl to my home complete with a box of baby food and her “special” spoon, which was the only one she would eat off of. Her mother said she tried everything but this baby just wouldn’t even try to eat solid food. I took one look at that chubby little face and knew she hadn’t tried “everything”. For morning snack I placed puffs and cubed fruit on her tray, which she threw on the floor. I gave her nothing else. At lunch I placed cooked and cubed carrots, fruit and crackers on her plate. This time she did not throw it on the floor. I did not try to force her to eat, I simply went on with my other duties. After about 15 minutes she started to eat the food on her tray. Every last bite. Her mother was elated and said I was a “miracle” worker. She asked my secret to which I said ” I didn’t offer her anything else, when she got hungry enough, she ate”. Not exactly what some would consider good parenting skills. How dare I “starve” that poor baby! Think what you may, but that baby was not eating solid food because her mother never gave her the chance to try.
I can say the same thing for potty training, picking up toys, writing their own name, getting dressed, putting own their own coat and shoes and just about everything else. Your preschooler can do it, they just need a little encouraging and to be left alone to try.
So I guess that my point is: “Don’t deny your children the joy and pride of learning something new for fear of the bumps and bruises they may receive from trying” . Bumps and bruises go away, self doubt does not.
If you think you may be an overprotective, over-parenter, check out this great article : http://www.consistent-parenting-advice.com/overprotective-parents.html
Awesome post, I couldn’t agree more! Now that my kids are older (14/12/6) I am seeing the fruits of training them young. They are amazing helpers in the house and we all work as a team. Don’t do for your kids what they can do for themselves!
I totally agree , I personally see doing for children when they can do it themselves as a form of abuse.
One of my nieces at age eleven can’t do her own shoelaces up properly, and only in the past year has been in her own room. To top it all she still eats with a baby knife and fork and her food cut up for her…and no shes not special needs in anyway shape or form..she has been babied her whole life.
And no I’m not making it up, I wish I was.
So you carry on, being relaxed they will thank you later…
My name is Kat and I’m an over-protective parent… Lol! I will say not to the degree in which u mentioned above but I did a lot for my daughter (cleaning her room, etc) AND now that she’s 14 I am having the toughest time trying to get her to “stay on top of her chores”… However, i am NOT making the same mistakes with my 3 year old Son (I learned my lesson) I did start to “baby” him at first but to be honest, after going through this with her, I’m not doing it again!
Ok, so that’s my life story! Lol
Great post! My Mom was slightly over protective, but mostly critical! I would try to help her with loading the dishwasher or doing laundry and everything I did was ‘wrong’ because it wasn’t done her way. She has no patience for teaching simple things. She would get frustrated so quickly. So, she would take it upon herself to do everything. By the time I was a teenager, I didn’t want to lift a finger to help for fear of her criticim.
Okay, that’s my sad story. I do love my Mom, but I also learned nothing about keeping a home or how to cook or anything practical! That’s why I love your blogs and vlogs! Thank you!!
Great post! Thank you for writing it and I COMPLETELY agree. I am a Gramma of 6 (soon to be 7) and a mom to 2 boys (ok, they’re men now but will forever be “My Boys”). As soon as they could reach the control panel on the washer and dryer, they were doing their own laundry. When they were younger, they did help with the dishes, picking up, etc. As they got older, more chores were added, yard work, cooking, etc. They were not always happy, especially through the teen years, but they helped.
I am currently working with 4 and 5 year olds. Some of them are typical children, but most of them are disabled. We teach them to help clean up and we have one specific chore they do for the week (like wash the tables, put the laundry away, stack the back packs, etc). I love to see the sense of accomplishment when they’ve done their little chore. They feel like their “big” now.
Thank you again. I’m new to your site and I love your enthusiasm. Thank you for the tips and keep them coming.
~Aideen a.k.a. Gramma Deenie
THank you thank you! This morning i decided to do this same thing sort of; she nurses too much at night, leaving no room for daytime calories & shunning most of my attempts at formula. She is NOT drinking 16 oz yet during her waking hours. That is my new goal amount, not 32. She is 8 months & knows how to sip from bottle & sippy cup, but is finicky and only wants 2 oz and then gripes. I suck at giving her midnite bottles too- same finicky but clearly hungry so i cave in & lay her in my bed but I NEED TO BE STRONG NOW. FOR HER. I am giving half her feedings as formula & half as nursing, until she will take all formula all the time, so i can wean her. Im a grown up i can do this! She fortunately while at highchair feedings knows how to drink like a grown up skillfully from a regular plastic cup w/no lid! Have decided to capitalize on that as much as i can, but i Wish she’d learn to correctly hold a sippie now for less mess at restaurants & gramma’ si I need to give her more practice with a water (instead of letting milk go bad in the cup waiting all day for her to figure it out each day)so she learns how to suck not just knaw it- she is getting better. Wish me luck.
btw i guess what i was trying to say is i refuse to feel like im depriving her of her pureed food. I simply need to see that she can do it: My goal for her is to have minimal food at each meal today, so that i can see her milk goal complete by bedtime duuuuuuuuuuuh?