I am pretty sure there is something wrong with me, like my brain is wired a bit differently than it is supposed to be. It isn’t just that everyone describes me as “odd” or “weird”, which bothers me more than I ever let on, but it is that I can’t seem to ever feel the way I know I am supposed to feel.
The way I feel…always, everyday, is restless. By all accounts I have a pretty perfect life. I am blessed with a kind and funny husband, three beautiful and healthy children and a relatively stress free life. My husband’s amazing financial abilities enable to me be a stay at home mom and spend my days puttering with the hobbies I love. I have a pretty successful blog and a nice home, but despite all of my blessings, I feel like there is something… missing. I’m always searching for something to plug the hole, instead of enjoying what I already have.
People talk about things that “fill them up” or “complete” them, but I am yet to find this elusive thing. I often think that maybe a bigger home will fill that void, but I’m pretty sure you can’t be fulfilled by material possessions. Perhaps a social life is the answer, but I am yet to find another human (besides my husband) that I can stand to be around for any length of time.
Don’t get me wrong, my family is amazeballs and I love my job, but despite my happy and full life, the restlessness inside keeps me up at night.
I daydream about volunteering in remote place like Haiti for a few months or packing up my family and traveling around the world for a year. In truth, I think what I am craving is excitement, danger even. Even as a kid, I was constantly unsettled. I left home young, looking for excitement, and even though I am now living as a “responsible adult”, I still crave the freedom and thrill of irresponsibility.
I don’t think I am alone in my struggles. In the wild, we would be hunting and scavenging and fighting off predators. In the wild, our constant need for an adrenaline rush would be a good thing and we would have ample opportunities to get it out of our systems. In this life, with ticky tacky houses and mundane, repetitive lifestyles, the thrill of the hunt is usually picking out a new donut from the local coffee shop. Sigh.
Maybe I should try a sport (cue the loud moan). Even though that sounds like the absolute worst idea ever, perhaps that is just what I need…or maybe I’ll just head over to the coffee shop for a chocolate peanut butter donut 😉